At this precise moment in time I sit alone here at UCHG HQ. Abandoned and left to fend for myself amongst the piles of retro games and consoles. During these weeks alone I have so far managed to strike up a deep and meaningful relationship with a copy of Quackshot for the Megadrive, and developed a slight addiction to mince pies.

In between quacking my shot off and celebrating Christmas with the use of pies I have also played a game. Not just any game mind you! Oh no this is one of “those” games.

That’s right its time to take my hand, sit precariously upon my knee and stroke my beard as we take another trip down to the red light district of gaming. This is

Bachelor Party

And what a party it is! Released in 1982, and rather unsurprisingly on the ATARI 2600, this game was developed by our old friends Mystique and is broadly based on the Breakout model of gameplay.

The story behind the game is simple. You are a bachelor and it’s your party. So like all good bachelors you have decided to invite no-one but hookers to your party. You have also banned any form of clothing and made them stand in lined ranks. For the final part of your party plans you have decided to charge naked at them with all the vigor of a recently rescued miner. The point of charging “head” first at the ranks of eager clunge is to bang into some and make it disappear. That’s right. You must hit that so hard it disappears! The urge to shout BOOM at the point of impact is incredible.

Once the bachelor has disintegrated some tang he bounces back to the other side of the screen where it is up to you to send him back in there using a paddle that looks somewhat breast like. You lose a life every time you fail to return the bachelor to the party and so the cycle continues.

Now I understand that back in 1982 things were different to how they are today. However I’m pretty certain that even back then if anyone were to arrange a party and invite no-one but prostitutes they would not exactly be considered to be the pinnacle of cool. This point was even proven in 2008 with a certain ex member of the FIA and a few, shall we say, women in uniform. The moral of this game is simple then. If you are going to have a party consisting exclusively of yourself and ladies of the night, don’t make a game out of it and don’t forget to buy some cocaine.

BOOM!