Racing games have been a staple of a gamers diet for a very long time indeed – and there are almost too many to remember. Nobody at the UCHG can claim to have played them all, but for each and every one of us there are a few that stay close to our hearts. Have they stood the test of time? Have any modern games ever managed to recreate that retro arcade excitement? And has anything ever beaten Lotus Turbo Challenge?

Check out our Big Talk – on Racing Games!

Combat… I wonder what that’s about then…

I would love to have been in the meeting that decided the name of this game. Imagine what it could have been called had they used a thesaurus: “The Forcible Violent Engagement Struggle Fighting Dual Game”. But no, Combat it is.

Combat is one of those typical ATARI 2600 games that proudly boasts a massive 27 games on a single cartridge but actually delivers 5 games on 22 different backgrounds. In fact, if we’re being honest, it’s actually only one game format featuring a mix of different sprites and backgrounds – and the principle of the game never changes. With so many broken promises straight out of the box, this game should run for Prime Minister.

Looking past the lies this game is actually great fun. The principle is as simple as the title (and the programmer who made it): shoot your opponent in the face until they die from it; reset, and do it again.

It is a two-player only game that brings out the competitive beast in everyone. The game play is so accessible that anyone can pick up and play. It is this simplicity that turns a quite gathering of friends into an all out war.

The best mode on the cart is actually the first. A straight up tank battle. The tanks move painfully slowly which makes for an intense battle as it is almost impossible to dodge the incoming fire. A nice feature, or probably rather a poor bit of programming, allows you to change the direction of your shots once they are in the air – this will drive your opponent into a controller throwing rant, possibly ending your friendship forever, or at least until they work out how to do it as well.

If tanks aren’t for you (why are you still reading this?) there are planes too. The Biplane and Jet-fighter modes are almost exactly the same as the Tank modes. The main and only difference being that the planes automatically move forward. This leaves the player to simply move left or right and shoot. As a result you often find your self stuck with a bogie on your tail and no breaks to step on for him to fly on by.

The bottom line is this: although it is simple in both concept and graphics , it is all about challenging a mate to a dual to the death. It is nothing more than a forcible encounter between men, a contest of violence – or simply put COMBAT.

Oh yes – it’s MOHAA! And as Ross says, that’s different to OORAH.

We always loved Medal of Honor back in the day, so we decided to play through the whole thing. In one go. It took about 4 hours 30 mins – was it a mistake?

Ah what a line. It is one of those Shakespearian gems guaranteed to make school boys snigger and young girls blush.

It of course refers to the drawing of swords and a pending fight between members of the Montague and Capulet families. It does not mean you should whip your knob out and set about beating your opponent down with it, no one really thinks that… do they?

Well. It seems somebody did.

Lets play some

Street Fucker!

Oh yeah! That’s no typo, this is Street Fucker for the Sega Mega Drive. A game where men with five foot long cocks get naked in the street and bash it out to see who has the biggest balls!

Now the first thing you must do is select your character from the Choose A Fucker screen. This is just the same as any character select screen, apart from the fact it consists entirely of naked men with massive boners. Apart from that it is exactly the same as say Street Fighter. It was a close call between Jisum Jeff and  Blowjob Bob, but I made the right call and went with Bob.

The game play is quite literally cock! You have two modes of attack. One being to hit your opponent with your impressive erection and the other being to, well, how can I put this? Cum on him! Yep that’s the one, the good old cum shot.

The cock fights take place out the front of  a series of wonderfully named buildings. The names range from the relatively sedate Stud Stable to the outrageously hilarious Happy Scrotum! I wonder what goes on in there?

In order to complete this game you must survive a number of rounds against various naked well endowed, and somewhat irate men. Dodging semen like the matrix and pumping faster than a well-trained SPAS-12 operator you will make your way to the top and be crowned the Barbarian of Bollocks and a true master (bator) of the cock!

It is at this stage, when your enemies lay broken and covered in nut juice around you, that you are greeted with the best completion screen ever…

It’s not even centred!

God damn it! That’s 20 minutes of my life I could have used on something else involving penis…

Did you catch Steve’s mini Vietcong guitar recital? Well here’s the Big Talk session that it came from, all about gaming music.

Does music in games affect the way we play? Do you remember any games because of the music in them? And does ‘dynamic music’ really piss you off? We manage to cover just a few – let us know your favourites if we missed them!