Whilst still basking in the nuclear game based fallout of E3, and the announcement of Need For Speed Hot Pursuit, an idea was thrust into the tiny minds of Ross and Brad.

“We should go back to one of our favourite racing games and complete it in a Pink Peugeot 106!”

After firing up Need for Speed Underground 2 they got off to a good start and quickly gained some mad rep and made an appearance on a focking kushdy mag cover!

The success was however short-lived as it soon became apparent that the chosen Pink 106 was in fact bunk and required shit loads of graft to make it banging.

After winning a few races enough bar was raised to replace the jubby old parts with some blinging new gear and add a focking mental NOS kit. This of course led to a well mint crash whilst out cruzing.

It also allowed the 106 to become much more competitive in a racing environment and hit a dordy kushdy max speed of 148.8mph that those other dinlo racers wiv their scabby rattlys couldn’t touch.

Stay tuned to track the progress of the Pink 106 as it continues down the path to total Chav dominance!

Here at the UCHG we are busy beavering away on some more outrageous retro themed goodness for you to feast your eye holes upon.

But untill we are ready to unleash this upon the world here is a little video that has been making us laugh for many years!

Look out for the kid in the back ground, and his trusted pillow of protection, as they take a dive for cover!

Enjoy…

Alone in the Dark (2008) – Fen got it from CEX for £2.

There have been many ‘simulator’ games in recent years – anything from lorries, trains, and cranes to farms, fishing, hunting and bus driving have all been emulated in gaming.

Imagine, if you can, ‘hobo simulator’ (similar to this recent iphone app). You are a lone bum. You wander around a large park, filling your pockets with junk; you root through bins, for alcohol and meths; you break into cars and raid gloveboxes; you start fires for the comforting warmth and light they provide.

Sadly, this actually makes up a large part of the middle of 2008’s Alone in the Dark remake, which I got for the bargain price of £2.

The original Alone in the Dark came out all the way back in 1992. It pioneered the survival horror genre – way before Resident Evil or Silent Hill were even conceived.

And despite my initial moanings, this 2008 revival does actually follow in the footsteps of its predecessors. Darkness fills the game (as you’d hope with a title including the work ‘dark’), and there almost always seems to be a sense of impending danger: before long, the city literally begins tearing itself, and its inhabitants, apart – and yes, you do appear to be very much alone.

There are some innovative features too – your ‘inventory’ is actually the jacket that you’re wearing, that you browse through in real-time. Weapons are often the nearest piece of furniture, or a hastily improvised combination of your own items – and these are up to you: combine, for example, vodka and a bandage and you have a Molotov cocktail; add sticky tape, and it becomes a timed bomb; add a box of ammo and it becomes more deadly still. Though the novelty does wear off eventually, the concept is nice.

Perhaps the game’s strongest and most impressive element is its use of flame – as the only thing that hurts your enemies, you’ll use it quite a bit – and it looks great, spreading organically, and proves to be both your friend and enemy.

However, ironically it also highlights what was, for me anyway, the game’s biggest flaw – the control system. Melee weapons are an odd sensation, with you having to control your own arm positions, which makes you feel a bit stupid – and you are constantly forced to switch between 1st and 3rd AND a fixed camera position. Disorientating to say the least.

The designers have obviously strived for a ‘TV drama’ style, and this largely works: action scenes are fast paced and frequent, and are split up into ‘episodes’, with dramatic cliff-hangers to keep you hooked. When returning to the game after a break, you are even greeted by a ‘Previously on Alone in the Dark’ sequence – very handy for getting you back up to speed.

There are still serious issues though – why can’t I skip cut-scenes? Don’t force me to watch them again, just because I screwed up and died. I wouldn’t mind so much if they weren’t sometimes so badly acted; though it’s probably hard to deal with dialogue which seems to consist of mainly ‘FUCK THIS‘ and ‘FUCK THAT‘ and so on.

Perhaps the most amazing error is how bad the driving model is – it’s not unplayable, but it gets close – and considering this was made by Eden, of Test Drive Unlimited, that’s incredible. Where this is most noticeable is during the hobo-esque middle section: it’s a shame that this part exists at all, as it pretty much ruins all the pace and tension the game had delivered to this point.

But you know, despite all this, I still enjoyed playing it – and it really isn’t all bad. There were enough enjoyable things for me to see past the bizarre glitches and poor game design – maybe it was just nice to play something a bit different. I do hope that someone some day does take a close look at the criticism and improve on Alone in the Dark. If the abrupt ending is anything to go by, Eden were certainly intending a sequel – but who knows now if this will ever happen!

Did you ever play this game in 2008? Or did it sink without a trace?

You may well have noticed that last week the UCHG was almost overrun by a zombie horde.

This shameless and unprovoked attack was thwarted by the fact that a few days earlier the UCHG had installed anti-zombie precautions. This allowed a well executed and overtly violent defence to be mounted, repelling the attack and restoring some sort of order.

After the fighting was over it was promised that the story of how these crucial defences came to be would be told. A story of how a fear of zombie attacks, too much free time and an obsession with the “right” red would result in the ultimate form of defensive readiness.

This is Project Zombie Box.

As is often the case with great ideas it all started with a search on Google. Whilst looking up indecent images of women in compromising positions on the internet, or “researching” as it is more commonly known, an image was uncovered. It was an image so powerful it would become the spark to start a two week long inferno of painting, swearing and strange looks.

After popping into a local frame shop and bluntly asking “How much to frame this pistol?” it was clear that the internet was the best place to start. A quick search on the Bay of E and a few clicks of the mizouse later and a frame was on its way.

Now it was time to source some red paint and a trip to the hardware store was called for. It soon became apparent that Zombie Box Red is not a currently stocked colour in the Delux collection so something else would be required. After a strong minute of pacing back and forth to the nearest fire extinguisher and a few concerned looks form near by staff, it was decided that Letterbox Red was the paint to use. A quick drying one coat gloss suitable for wood, it would be perfect. So two coats and three days later it was dry and the frame was ready to use. One coat you say? Quick dry was that? Yeah! Fuck you too!

Next it was time to frost the glass. First a template was created out of vinyl and applied to the glass provide with the frame. You can buy frosted glass paint from most craft shops and once applied to your desired glass based surface it does tend to give the impression that you might just of enjoyed using it a bit too much.

Whilst the suspiciously wanky looking glass paint dried the hunt for a suitable zombie dispatching weapon was started. The weapon required had to have good range and accuracy, a large clip and most importantly it could be no longer than 22cm or else it would not fit into the frame. These requirements left the choice of either the Glock 17, the Beretta 92FS or the FN Five-seveN. All outstanding guns when it comes to whacking out zombies. However since the Five-seveN is made in Belgium, too close to France to be cool, and getting Brad to part with his beloved Glock is harder than attempting to book a gay couple into a Conservative B&B. It was down to the Beretta to fill the box.

But what bullets to use? Something heavy and dependable with deep penetration (hur hur hur) was needed. After many days of none porn related research, Hornady TAP rounds were selected for their capability to explode zombies heads and remove limbs with their excellent expansion and weight retention on impact.

After two weeks of shopping, painting and help form various bemused but extremely appreciated friends. Project Zombie Box was drawing to a close. The shooter and ammo where mounted up. The wank soaked template was removed and the whole thing screwed together. It was finished and we where ready!

Come get some Zombies!

In a world obsessed with health and safety it should come as no surprise to learn that we are all relatively healthy and quite safe.

Alarms and sprinklers protect us from fire. Seat belts and air bags provide protection in our cars and you can even purchase bullet proof vests on the internet!

This is all very reassuring but here at the UCHG we know what you are thinking.

What happens in the event of zombies?

Well…

Break Glass!