“Upgrades? Pah, atleast put on some new clothes dammit!”

And so we have, the UCHG has donned some new span­dex and now has also moved from the wooden chair to a leather couch.

Head on over to the new site and let us know what you think in the comments.

Due to word­press’ lack of help­ful­ness this means all of you who were watch­ing our pre­vi­ous loca­tion will need to resub­scribe. You’ll prob­a­bly also want to throw out the old site’s feed as noth­ing new will be posted here ever again.

Halloween is upon us once more. An evening where Children trick or treat and the local sex offenders have no need to go outside and hunt.

If you look up Halloween on Wikipedia it will tell you its a time to attend costume parties, carve jack-o’-lanterns, go on ghost tours, attend bonfires, bob for apples, visit haunted attractions, commit pranks, tell ghost stories or other frightening tales, and watch horror films. All good suggestions but they have left one out…
Play Doom

So sit back, get behind a pillow and prepare for an all out Doomfest!

At this precise moment in time I sit alone here at UCHG HQ. Abandoned and left to fend for myself amongst the piles of retro games and consoles. During these weeks alone I have so far managed to strike up a deep and meaningful relationship with a copy of Quackshot for the Megadrive, and developed a slight addiction to mince pies.

In between quacking my shot off and celebrating Christmas with the use of pies I have also played a game. Not just any game mind you! Oh no this is one of “those” games.

That’s right its time to take my hand, sit precariously upon my knee and stroke my beard as we take another trip down to the red light district of gaming. This is

Bachelor Party

And what a party it is! Released in 1982, and rather unsurprisingly on the ATARI 2600, this game was developed by our old friends Mystique and is broadly based on the Breakout model of gameplay.

The story behind the game is simple. You are a bachelor and it’s your party. So like all good bachelors you have decided to invite no-one but hookers to your party. You have also banned any form of clothing and made them stand in lined ranks. For the final part of your party plans you have decided to charge naked at them with all the vigor of a recently rescued miner. The point of charging “head” first at the ranks of eager clunge is to bang into some and make it disappear. That’s right. You must hit that so hard it disappears! The urge to shout BOOM at the point of impact is incredible.

Once the bachelor has disintegrated some tang he bounces back to the other side of the screen where it is up to you to send him back in there using a paddle that looks somewhat breast like. You lose a life every time you fail to return the bachelor to the party and so the cycle continues.

Now I understand that back in 1982 things were different to how they are today. However I’m pretty certain that even back then if anyone were to arrange a party and invite no-one but prostitutes they would not exactly be considered to be the pinnacle of cool. This point was even proven in 2008 with a certain ex member of the FIA and a few, shall we say, women in uniform. The moral of this game is simple then. If you are going to have a party consisting exclusively of yourself and ladies of the night, don’t make a game out of it and don’t forget to buy some cocaine.

BOOM!

We all know that Ross has a love for killing zombies – and so the time has come to set him a challenge; one of epic proportions. Will he do it? Or will it drive him insane…

これはしばしばUCHGはに日本の輸入ゲームのこの素晴らしい選択などの貴重な贈り物を与えているではありません。

彼らは親切に私たちに才能の男性愛情ビッグクリスとして知られていた。 2つだけのことは、あなたがビッグクリスについて知る必要があります。彼は大きさ1と2、彼はクリスと呼ばれます。

だけ戻って我々のコレクションで、これらの観光客を有する描画さ、私たちはそれらを再生できる、私たちのどれかに書かれているが理解できるコンソールのいずれ…

さて私は言う私たちのどれが噂では、我々の独自ロスは、瞑想を介して現実の別のプラットフォームに超越するため、これらのゲームを翻訳することができることはそれをしています。

我々が望むことができる私たちは本当に限定版『グランツーリスモ4』をプレイしたいと思いますが、彼はすぐに戻っ取得です！

Google translate reads that as:

This is not giving the precious gift of this great selection of games, such as Japan’s imports Hani UCHG often.

They were known as Big Chris love men of talent to us kindly. Only two things, you need to know about Big Chris. Size 1 and 2, he called Chris.

One of the console that you can understand in our collection, drawn with these tourists, they can play, we have written any of us back just …

In order to transcend to another platform of reality through meditation, I am none of us say that the rumors, Ross our own, it is possible to translate these games are doing it now.

I think we can hope is that we want to play “Gran Turismo 4 Limited Edition” really, he is getting back soon!