War is hell. And in the war against animals, we all must pull together and do what we must.

Deer, moose, geese, squirrels, rabbits, goats and badgers – all are a threat to our society, and we at the UCHG do our best, via the medium of Deer Hunter Tournament, to help. Especially to eliminate turkeys.

War is hell. Would you believe it’s made by Atari?

But what do I do once I’ve caught it?

Simple….

Shag it!

This is COCK’ IN

A game for the commodore C64 that is all about the humping. The idea behind the game is to get your ass into the hen house and get it on! Once inside the sordid hen house of obscenity you will hear a little tune that signifies you are indeed getting your cock’ in!

After the delightful little tune you exit the house and, providing you have done a good job, the hen will come out and lay an egg. You must guard that egg with your life!

There are many enemies of the egg that will try to eat it before it can hatch. These bad ass gangster egg eaters range from hedgehogs to snakes and must all be fended off with the peck of your beak!

The more you peck them the more points you get! If you fail to beat them all off and they eat your eggs you lose a life. Not cool!

The longer you remain in the seedy hen house of lovin the more hearts you get. This results in multiple eggs to protect. However hitting it several times in one sitting can be exhausting! and you must regain your strength by eating the corn in the bottom corners of the screen.

Simply put Cock’ In is all about eating, fighting and shagging! what more do you want?

Its a simple game that is hilarious to play and a must for anyone with a C64.

And what if you dont own a C64?

Well you can always Beat ‘Em & Eat ‘Em…

Whilst decorating the offices at UCHG HQ I discovered the original manual for our copy of Super Breakout on the ATARI 2600.

Instantly recognising this an opportunity to avoid any more wallpapering I quickly started reading it!

Now I used to believe that in Super Breakout you were a paddle and your goal was to simply bounce a ball at some bricks until they had all disappeared…

I was wrong!

According to the manuals introduction you are actually in a one-man space shuttle travelling through the heavens at the speed of light. Suddenly, without warning i may add, you are facing a force field of bright colours that you must choose to blast your way through or turn back!

This all sounds like good fun until you read the General Description / Game Objective.

The aim of the game is to keep the ball in play and knock out bricks to score points? What happened to my space shuttle? and where has the force field gone?

It seems I was right all along and the manual has just been lying to us all!

To make matters worse the cover of the manual has a picture of an astronaut, armed with a ruler, bravely beating his way through the mysterious force field of almost blinding colours!

What Balls! Does that make me the space shuttle firing a brave astronaught, and his measuring stick of destruction,  into the force field?

Or am I the astronaut smacking a ball into the force field after parking my space shuttle off screen?

Is it even a ball? and why am I in space on my own with just a ruler?

I think the idea here is to use your imagination as the graphics will give you no clues. But no matter what you make of it it will always be some sick ass retro space based shenanigans!

All the talk of Counter Strike recently has given us a real hankering to go back. So we did: back to the wonderful CS Source.

It’s been a while though; I think we kind of forgot how you’re meant to play it. We assumed all the hostages had got some kind of stockholm syndrome, and were now completely on the side of the terrorists.

And so, obviously, they had to be stopped. And how do you spell assassination? That’s right –

ASS-ASS-ination!

During one of my many gaming related conversations I was reminded of the most unloved and ignored gaming device in our collection.

The Commodore C16

It is so unloved you won’t even find a picture of it on the site and most of us here at UCHG HQ deny its very existence.

But much like the Menacer I just couldn’t leave it alone.
I had a thirst for serious retro madness that could only be quenched by

Williamsberg Adventure 3!

A text game that proudly states

“Your adventures will get you shot by the police”

What more could you want? Perhaps to be chased by a butcher? Well your in luck! that’s in there too!

Things were shaping up to be quite an adventure already.

Still giddy from the excitement brought about by the promise of being shot by the police. I wired the old filthy C16 up and settled down for some serious adventure of the text based variety.

My excitement was however short lived as I was instantly reminded why we at the UCHG deny the existence of the C16.

Its because its SHIT!

After more than 10 minutes of “Searching” It just decided to break!

It took about 50 restarts before it decided to try again and proceeded to search through the whole tape before doing nothing but print the word “BREAK” down one side of the screen.

It was at this point I decided it would be easier to just read a book….