If a large bald black man wearing a trench coat and sunglasses, while indoors, asked you to take a pill and see how deep his hole was. What would you do?

We took the pill and waited for him to bend over!

Sadly all he did was hand us a PS2 game…

Thats right folks it’s time to revisit the good old, and often overlooked, pornographic game genre.

We have already had a look at Cock In for the C64, and this week it’s the turn of the ATARI 2600 and Beat ‘Em & Eat ‘Em!

Beat ‘Em & Eat ‘Em was released by Mystique in 1983 and has a very simple premise. He beats it. You eat it!

The game play is based on the classic Kaboom! You must take control of a pair of naked ladies and eat the delightful treats being dispensed from a well endowed young man sat atop a building. Allow any of the tasty Hand Shandy to hit the floor and you lose a life. However! every piece of hand packed ice cream you consume earns you points and every 69 points gets you an extra life! The cycle of Beating and Eating gets faster as the game progresses untill you either cant take anymore or you lose all your lives. What fun it is!

It really is hard (no pun intended) to imagine a game like this actually exists! and the blurb on the back is just priceless!

Apply yourself to matters at hand and stay one jump ahead! it’s a game about eating wank! not a bloody advice guide for job success! Or is it….?

Yes, it’s here: the very first super-battle-bonanza-blowout (or SB3 for short), and we’ve called this one “Berlin or Bust“. Why? Here’s the premise: it’s a straight race through Germany to the centre of Berlin. The catch? While Fen fights his way through 1940s Nazi hoards, Brad is trucking to stop him – in a lorry full of cheese. Oh yes!

Who will win? Will they even get there alive? Does Hitler like pink? And more importantly, what is the German for “cheese-lorry“?

Find out all this and more – just watch…

(By the way, this one’s a beast – so be sure to let it load first!)

The world has seen many great weapons over the years. The Glock 17, the Mosin Nagant, the AK-47 and the HK 416 to name but a few.

There is however one weapon out there that puts the likes of the M16 to shame and makes the Desert Eagle look like a child’s pop gun! It is…

The SEGA LIGHT PHASER

This beast is the bad boy of the light gun world. Designed for the SEGA Master System it was heavier than its rival, the Nintendo Zapper, and considered by many to have a much more responsive trigger and better accuracy.

It also had the balls to be completely black , making it look more realistic. Despite the fact it appears to have been designed by a man using only a set square and ruler, it was used to great effect by a Brazilian bandit who held a woman hostage for ten hours in order to settle a debit of 42 Brazilian Dollars!!!

As well as being a useful tool for retrieving around £15 the Light Phaser can also be used to play Safari Hunt!

Safari Hunt is the kind of game we at the UCHG love! It has one rule and one rule only… If it moves, KILL IT! The objective of the game is simple,  score a certain amount of points by wasting anything that moves! That includes bears, fish, birds, spiders and monkeys! That’s right; it’s a game that promotes the shooting of monkeys!

There may only be three screens in the game that you play on a loop, but thats more than Duck Hunt had and it’s still a challenging and fun game to play. It also comes built into one of our Master System consoles so we really can’t escape it!

And if you really don’t get on with it you can always take your Light Phaser and go get some hostages!

Well once again we (perhaps foolishly) decide to play a game from start to finish, in one sitting. This time it was the unforgettable beat-em-up, Streets of Rage.

There really are so many things to remember in this game:

• girls shouldn’t pick up fat people, they should be punched slowly;
• don’t flying-kick big men with claws;
• food goes in your bum;
• don’t press ‘A’;
• watch your back for pikies with trolleys;
• and always pepper your gingers.

Does Streets of Rage contain a hidden message about ginger people? Is it, in fact, made up completely of gingers and ninjas?

Watch and find out!