Which is Better? Round 3. Fight!

Well its not really a fight. More of a comparative review of sorts. But what’s on the menu? The answer to the question you have all been asking.

Which is better – Buckley the pug vs Ski or Die?

Background

Buckley or Buckles, as he is sometimes referred to as, is a 1 year old black pug. The pug is a breed of dog known for its lazy nature, wrinkled face and tendency to lean towards the obese end of the weight scale. One of his eyes may point a little off center but he doesn’t seem to mind… at least we hope he doesn’t.

Ski or Die is the 1990 Palcom follow up to Skate or Die. Yeah that’s right. If skiing or dying didn’t tickle your fancy, you could always skate or die instead. At first you may be puzzled by the title and the lack of death in the game. But play on and all will become clear. I was also amused to boot this bitch up and find that out of the 5 game modes only 2 actually involve skiing! For this reason I  will now refer to this game as “Winter Based Activities or Die”

Gameplay

To say we got off to a good start on the gameplay front would be a big fat lie. The kind of lie an 80s TV personality may tell when questioned about his sexual exploits. For years we were treated to moving a cursor (or character) around a selection screen with the use of the D-pad. Winter Based Activities or Die took one look at this great idea and decided to “improve” it. What you need to do is press the A button to move forward and then steer your little super 80’s skier guy around with the D-pad, and down the path to the option you desire. This of course can only happen once you have placed your skier over the title of the option you wish to select, spun around on the spot mashing the B button for a few minuets, before realising you have to ski off the screen and not simply select the option you wish to play – like in a normal game.

The rest of the gameplay is quite straight forward. Across the 5 modes. You have Snowboard Halfpipe (not skiing), Snowball Blast (not skiing), Innertube Thrash (not skiing), Downhill Blitz (skiing) and Acro Aerials (skiing). All of which require you to move and sometimes jump. The catch is that now you no longer have to hold A to move! But wait! In order to move down the hill in Downhill Blitz, you must press UP to move forwards. That sounds fine yeah? But forwards is DOWN the screen! Pressing UP would be acceptable if I were moving up the screen, but I am not. I am Skiing down a hill – So surely  I should be pressing DOWN?

Buck, happily, pretty much does what he is told. If you go left he goes left, if you sit down he sits down and if you sleep he sleeps. There are times when things get a bit confused and he may well go right when you are heading left, or he falls asleep straight after you have woken him up. That aside his direct method of control makes for some fluid and immersive  gameplay. He is capable of the odd game of fetch but due to his size and laziness it often doesn’t last past a few rounds. The sleeping and eating modes are defiantly where its at.

Graphics

Awwww! Look at his little dog face! As opposed to Winter Based Activities or Die, Buck is a deep and glossy shade of black (like a well groomed Ninja!). He is rendered in full 3D and comes with countless graphical tweaks in the form of tiny jumpers and costumes to dress him up in. If you get the settings just right he can draw quite the crowd of doe-eyed women and attract many likes on instagram. He also appears to be quite the hit with teenage boys – if you are that way inclined. Or a teenage girl…

Winter Based Activities or Die is mainly white. White with some blue bits and the odd tree or rock. The most graphically intense part of the whole thing is it’s drug induced mode selection screen.

That’s right kids! Its Rodney’s Shop. We are pretty sure Rodney is selling more than ski gear and he clearly has a hefty coke habit. When he is not tempting you out on to the slopes, he is offering up some freshly laid powder off the top of his toilet cistern. It is sad but true – this is as good as the game gets looks wise. It is also sad that Rodney is a smack head, but at least the drugs will end his life early and our kids will be safe.

Sound

Snorty, grunty little pig beast. That’s what Buckley is. For a dog a bit bigger than a rugby ball he snores like a 20 stone man. Barking is sometimes achieved but mostly grunting and huffing is what you get. At times of emotional turmoil there can be crying but we only played Winter Based Activities or Die for a brief period so it was short lived – We are not monsters (not all of us anyway). Despite all the snoring it is hard to be mad at him. Look at his little dog face!

Winter Based Activities or Die is a heady mix of fast paced 8-bit music mixed with some creepy computer voices. Now computer voices were a big thing at the time so this was quite an achievement to have them in this game. That or they spent all their money on the voices so had none left to make a game with? The opening credits are followed by what sounds like a computerized kids voice shouting “Ski” followed by a creepy computerized male voice shouting “or Die”. I can’t help but feel that the male voice is Rodney and this will not end well for the excited child and their shouts of “Ski”.

Conclusion

So we have covered the Ski but what about the Die? Well the Die part comes after about 5 minuets of playing this game. Once you have selected a game mode and experienced the sheer delight that is Winter Based Activities or Die you will want to die! There are far more interesting things to do than play this – such as sitting in the dark and thinking about the sum n=1 to infinity n^2/(n^4+1)

I would suggest that instead of getting this game you get a pug. Once you get this pug you should dress him as E.T and sit back as the near endless stream of girls (and teenage boys) flock to you.